I love my mother. Not only is she awesome, funny, forgetful, and somewhat crazy. She’s well rounded. I would say she’s well adjusted, but that would be a total lie. Her wide range of interests requires constant attention, so I turned her onto podcasts. Now she’s a podcastaholic.
When she’s not watching Narcos, Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Stranger Things, Bloodlines, or Days of Our Lives, my mother listen to Criminal, Sawbones, Stuff You Should Know, and various other informative shows. This septuagenarian listens to these at night until she wakes up, ear becoming one with her still playing cell phone. She’s been doing this so much that she’s worried about the corresponding radiation affecting her brain. I assured her that she probably has nothing to worry about. Besides, if it did, how would we know?
“She really has a problem,” my nephew Kevin said. “I walked in the other day, and she looked up and said, ‘I’m learning about why men have nipples.'”
In an attempt to get her friends and family hooked, she has been filling everyone in on the fact that she has recently learned how to shrink heads. On one of their afternoon walks, she told her friend Joyce, “After you decapitate the person, you weave their ponytail through their mouth and out of their neck so it’s easy to carry–kind a like a pocket book.” A few steps later, “Then you boil it for a half an hour, but no lady longer. If you boil it longer, its hair would fall out.”