Stupid Shit I Did As a Kid

Everyday, my kids do something that makes me question their sanity and wonder if they’re not just weird, psychopathic, alien creatures sent to destroy the Earth one adult at a time. To comfort myself, I am listing some of the weird, goofball stunts, and hobbies I was into as a child. After all, I turned out semi-quasi-sorta-conditionally okay.

  1. Eating entire heads of iceberg lettuce whenever I could get my hands on one.
  2. Biting a chunk out of an onion like it was an apple.
  3. Playing “soup” with pink-stained brush cleanser that was discovered in a mason jar in my backyard (probably gasoline or turpentine) and a straw.
  4. Eating Chapstick (any flavor, but preferably cherry), notebook paper, facial tissue, chalk, crayons, toilet paper (clean), decorative candles, cough drops, cardboard, paste, glue sticks, liquid Elmer’s glue, construction paper, paper plates, waxed cups, dirt, Play-Doh, banana peels, orange rinds, and watermelon rinds.
  5. Chewing on but not ingesting: wood of all kinds except particle board (my crib, the dining room table, random sticks on the ground, pinecones, toothpicks, and popsicle sticks), my father’s lounge chair, my hair, and glass Christmas ornaments.
  6. Smearing Elmer’s glue on my skin so I could pretend my non-existent sunburn was peeling.
  7. Faking breaking my right arm in the second grade by wrapping an ace bandage around it. That day, I pledged allegiance to the United States of America with my left hand.
  8. Getting my hair caught in a remote control car by pretending it was an electric razor and buzzing too close to my hairline.
  9. Cutting off all of my hair achieving a length of one inch.
  10. Sleeping with a cut-out picture of Nick Rhodes.
  11. Trying to break an arm or leg by repeatedly jumping out of our mimosa tree.
  12. Sending my brother in the U.S. Air Force an April Fool’s letter stipulating that our old, beloved, pain-in-the-ass cat had died, days before it actually happened.
  13. Practicing flying off the top bunk.
  14. Making multiple red dots with mercurochrome on my tongue to prove my measles infection. Fun fact: mercurochrome contains mercury.
  15. Testing Fisher Price’s child-proof, unbreakable tape player by catapulting it from the top of a tree. Results: totally not kid-proof.
  16. Playing Amelia Earhart on Dawn Rosheka’s garage roof.
  17. Playing Santa Claus by first filling a trash bag with toys and then wrapping it around my neck.
  18. Using a cooler as a row boat in a drainage ditch.
  19. Weaving a crochet hook in my grandmother’s rug until it became irretrievable.
  20. Playing gas station with my father’s riding lawnmower, a garden hose, and water. I don’t remember the repercussions.
  21. Tasting Dawn dish detergent.
  22. Playing grocery store which required alternating from being the shopper and working as the cashier.
  23. Playing bank. See above.
  24. Peeing myself in the third grade because I was to terrified to ask to use the bathroom.
  25. Collecting potato bugs off tomato plants and observing them procreate.
  26. Collecting bottle caps, particularly from alcoholic drinks. I had 2/3 of a brown grocery bag full.
  27. Carting home a used, water-buckled Playboy magazine that was found in the middle of the woods when there were plenty available in the basement.
  28. Asking my little sister not to tell mom that I insert activity here.
  29. Licking stones, envelope glue, pennies,and wallpaper.
  30. Posing for school portraits, every single one.
  31. Riding on the kitchen cupboard’s lazy susan.
  32. Storing my prized stolen science textbook under the pine tree in the front yard .
  33. Painting my lineolium bedroom floor with bright blue latex paint.
  34. Allowing my uncle Francis to place my sweet little hermit crab named Olivia Newton John into his brief case and then violently shake it causing her premature death. Suspected cause of death: heart attack.
  35. Making skis by adhering toy race tracks to my feet with rubber bands.

Donations of stupid kid shit will be greatly appreciated so I can use it in a later post/list. All names will be confidential unless specified otherwise.

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