A Young Woman’s Guide: How to Stalk Responsibly

Recent occurrences have reminded me of my past adventures. My 12 year old daughter (Mali) and her best friend (referred to as Fate) deeply concern me. They are dealing with their crushes on Amadeus in an entirely inappropriate and familiar manner. I had issues with how to convey affection for guys. I had a friend like Fate during high school and college. Our mayhem produced laughs, embarrassment, and (for my friend) a restraining order.  How can I prevent these girls from making the same mistakes we made and should regret?

On the way home from swimming, Mali attempted to persuade me to, “drive by Amadeus’s house. Just this once.” I informed her that I gave up that hobby around 1995. When interrogated as to how she knew where Amadeus lived, she claimed he rides her bus. I remain skeptical.

She also told me, “Fate says he has a mirror in his backyard. Isn’t that weird?”

I questioned, “How exactly does Fate know that he has a mirror in his backyard?”

“She knows everything about him. She’s a stalker.”

She used the word stalker without any negative connotations. This alarms me, but may simply be a byproduct of being my daughter. I decided not to sit her down, tell her that stalking is a very scary thing, and make her watch Fatal Attraction, The Crush, Single White Female, or I Can Make You Love Me (The Stalking of Laura Black) fearing that she may find these films comedic…like my best friend and I did. In our eyes, these movies were hilarious. We would spontaneously expel quotes from them such as “It’s gonna be real hard for us to have a relationship if you keep refusing to go out with me” and “Don’t make me come get you!”

These days, I’m relatively sane. I swear.

I informed Mali, “It’s possible to like someone and not stalk them.” At least that’s what people have told me.

I forbade her to walk to/by Amadeus’s house, but no matter how hard I try, keeping this girl under house arrest remains impossible. Someday, she’ll have a driver’s license.  Just Say No didn’t work for Nancy in the 80s, so I’m opting for another approach. If I can’t make them stop, maybe I can teach them to do it responsibly.

This list is based on what I’ve learned from actual events. Hopefully, it will not only help my daughter, but all young women everywhere.

1. Never, under any circumstances, use your real name. Anywhere. Ever.
2. Assume no one shares your sense of humor and act accordingly.
3. When making prank phone calls, never let your friend answer the question, “Who is this?” with the answer, “Your worst nightmare.” Also never answer, “Where are you?” with “Look out your window.”
4. When speaking about the object of your affection, avoid using the following phrases: love, need, forever, and we’re destined to be together.
5. Don’t wear Property of INSERT NAME OF GUY YOU LIKE stickers. Don’t change your signature to Mrs. INSERT NAME OF GUY YOU LIKE or name your prospective children. Equally important, don’t create pictures of the two of you together.
6. Stick with Earth-friendly supplies.  Beautify your crush’s car with toilet paper made from 99% recycled materials. Reuse a ratty bra by hanging it from a tree in his yard. Reduce fluorocarbons by using sidewalk chalk instead of white spray paint to write on the street in front of his home.
7. Cut gas consumption by carpooling with like-minded friends when driving by your love’s house. If my best friend and I had used separate cars every time we partook in this activity, the ozone hole with our name on it would be astronomical.
8. Remember: sorting through someone else’s mail is a Federal offense. Have an under-aged person, possibly your younger sister, do it.
9. Wait until there is zero chance of his neighbors watching before transforming a person’s residence into a phony crime scene. Do a better job and take better pictures than we did, please.

13 thoughts on “A Young Woman’s Guide: How to Stalk Responsibly

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  1. Great post. Made me smile while simultaneously wondering what the hell I’m going to do with my daughters (I have three) when they hit this stage of their lives. I will look to your blog for possible solutions 🙂

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  2. LOL! This is one of the funniest things I’ve read all week! I have a 9-year-old son, so I don’t need to worry yet, unless he’s riding by a little girl’s house on his bicycle, but I’ll keep these in mind. Hee-hee.

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  3. I have a boy crazy 13-yr old daughter. Her ‘boyfriend’ right now has blue hair. 😉 She has a bff who prides herself on ‘stalking’ too, and they never use the term negatively either. In fact, I think they’re proud…

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  4. okay, so…I have five, girl-crazy boys and one five year old daughter, if I catch them ever doing anything remotely close to what I did, I will have to run away forever.

    This was hilarious, oh my…what will I ever do with my daughter? UGH!

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  5. Quality photos do make it into a true event, but they do remove the possibility of plausible deniability. So, I suggest you remind your daughter not to store them on her own phone or iCloud account.
    I like that you are recommending green alternatives to traditional stalker methods.
    Just because someone is a stalker does not mean they get to trample all over our planet willy nilly.

    Great post. Very fun!

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  6. Your tips are pretty much spot on. I was out with my friend just last weekend and out of instinct when I was asked my name, I answered “Kelly”. It’s been my alias name for as long as I can remember…

    Oh, and I totally stalked this kid Eric Fitzgerald, aka “Fitzy” when I was in jr high. I happened to see him outside of his house one day as we were driving by – totally by accident – but once I knew where he lived, I always asked my dad to take my places that would lead us to drive by his house. “Stalking” wasn’t really a word back then, but that’s totally what I did. Until I noticed a cuter boy.

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  7. OMG! I’m saving this because I’ll need it in 10 years.
    Do I want to know what the crime scene was for? “I’ll die if you don’t go out with me”? I cringe for the young me that totally did that shit too. And I know I’m destined to repeat it with my daughter:(
    Thanks for stopping by my blog. Love yours too!

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