When I announced my newly found veganism last week on Facebook and these are the responses I received:
Why the backlash? Well…
–In the past, my belly has digested fried earthworms and chocolate-covered crickets.
-At age six, my brother taught me how to skin a muskrat.
-I took and passed my shotgun hunting license in the 9th grade and killed only time.
Me + winter + one week off school = countless tree carvings.
-In order to obtain a bachelor’s degree in Biology, I’ve performed a few animal experiments including vivisection on a 500 gram rat that jumped off the table and accidentally cooking a goldfish.
-In 1999 (on my account), a pizza steak disappeared from Jim’s almost every day, until 10 pounds magically attached themselves to my midsection.
-Previously, I’ve referred to vegans as crazy.
Why have I chosen to not only rid my body of meat, but also ALL animal products including dairy?
-I like self-torture and do not have the time to cross-fit train.
-Recently, Brian quit smoking, so I had to do something. Quitting my job was out of the question, so was quitting coffee, and gin. Dairy seemed like a viable option. I’ve been a vegetarian for a few years. Therefore, cutting out animal products would be easy.
-My 11 year old daughter, previously a baconatarian, inspired me by finally caving and stopped ingesting meat.
This girl has given up her bacon lip balm, bacon cheeseburgers, but still loves stuffed bacon. Now, she wears her much adored bacon shirt in irony. She claims to believe that harming animals is wrong, and dislikes drinking pus. Personally, I think her arteries had enough and sat her down for a talk.
For me, is this a lifelong decision? We’ll see. My arch nemesis Bill Clinton reportedly made it 21 days into a vegan diet. I will totally do better than that.
How is it working out for me?
I’m starving, literally. EVERYTHING HAS MILK OR EGGS IN IT! Well, almost everything. In addition to ice cream, American cheese, mozzarella cheese, feta cheese, Ragu Original Spaghetti Sauce, the soy cheese at ShopRite, and Morning Star Meat Crumbles. That leaves olives, leaves, oil, and vinegar.
Day 1: started out with oatmeal, soy milk, and berries. It ended with gin and a (cheese-less and steak-less) soy cheese steak. This was awesome.
Day 2-4: I developed a pain in my back that called out for animal fat. I have never been this hungry and I counted carbs in my third trimester due to gestational diabetes.
Day 5: I had a major I NEED TO EAT NOW episode. At the hospital where I work, I set out to raid the nearest nurses station for vegan sustinance. My goal: saltines. Pretty sure they’re vegan. Flour, salt, and water. This trip ended in horror. I couldn’t find any crackers. All I saw was sugar, Splenda, and powdered creamer which may or may not be dairy. So, I filled up my water bottle and walked away.
That’s when my prepubescent taste buds kicked in and I started wondering if Play-Doh is vegan. The homemade version is, but just doesn’t taste the same. Per serving: 575 Calories; 15g Fat (24% calories from fat); 13g Protein; 95g Carbohydrate; 0mg Cholesterol; 1075mg Sodium. How about erasers? I was unable to find any nutrtional information on those. If anyone possesses knowledge on this subject, let me know.
And exactly how many animal products are in my drinking water?
Day 6 became Day 1 The Sequel when I accidentally lost my mind and ate 2 pieces of microwave buttered popcorn. Starting over was not in this chick’s plans.
When Brian asked Mali how long she thinks I’ll last, she said 22 days. He agrees.
Cotton candy’s vegan.
Is cardboard vegan?
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