Help! My four year old is channeling Ghandi!

Dear Simon,
          The British no longer rule India. So EAT YOUR DAMN FOOD!
                                                                                     With love,
                                                                                     Your mother

The above is a genuine pre-dinner picture.

If you thought Battle at Gettysburg was bad, come have dinner at our house. Simon brings picky eating to a whole new level.

Just today, first pancakes, then waffles were requested and delivered, but not eaten.

Last night, the pizza was yucky, and therefore not fit for consumption. He wanted chocolate donuts.

Our lives haven’t always been this way.

At one point, we were able to put a burrito on this boy’s plate without setting off H-bombs, A-bombs, or F-bombs.

He used to be able to enjoy ice cream without having it “warmed up”.

Substances that Simon will eat:

  • milk, white (luckily) and chocolate (of course)
  • Pediasure (the devil’s elixir), chocolate-flavored
  • lolly pops
  • tootsie rolls
  • chocolate donuts
  • erasers
  • toy skateboards
  • soapy bath water
  • chlorinated pool water

I don’t fault the kid for eating erasers, nor am I worried. I empathise. I could tell you whether a tissue was produced by Kleenex or Puffs based on taste alone. As an adult, I’ve given up eating notebook paper, pencils, crayons, pine needles, Chapstick, Playdough, etc.

If Playdough had any nutritional value, I may serve it…because I think he’d like it. I do and Mali confesses, “I have to admit it’s pretty tasty. It tastes oily.”

Substances that Simon MAY eat (depending on mood and position of the Earth’s axis):

  • Mac-n-cheese, boxed not homemade
  • cookies
  • cheese
  • grilled cheese, cold
  • hot dogs, cheeseburgers, meatballs out of canned spaghettios
  • canned pasta (maybe)
  • PB & J
  • Goldfish crackers
  • pizza
  • waffles, pancakes with copius amounts of butter and syrup

I know what you’re thinking: “That list isn’t bad.” It’s not, if he actually ate a decent amount of the above. I see a running dollar amount and envision starving children every time his left overs hit the trash can. He refuses any dish that has been reheated or unfinished. He does this I want beefaroni-one spoonful and I’m full-thing so many times that I said NO more canned pasta. I can’t do it anymore. I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat meat and I don’t relish being someone else’s garbage disposal. I hate to waste so much that my mother brings her own tissues and paper towels when she visits. This boy also claims to like canned applesauce and bananas, although I’ve never seen him eat more than a bite of either.

Substances Simon will NOT eat:

  • eggs (they’re yucky)
  • peas, or vegetables of any kind
  • milk with fuzz in it (milk with added protein powder)
  • pizza with flowers on it (spinach and feta)
  • pizza with sauce on it
  • yucky pizza
  • crappy pizza
  • coffee (thanks Grandma)
  • fresh fruit
  • anything he has you put in the freezer/refrigerator >3 times
  • anything he has you cut up
  • all items in aisle 3-8

Aside from covering everything in Hershey’s syrup and offering complete tootsie roll entrees, we’ve tried it all.

I want to completely detox this kid…and now my daughter from anything with added sugar. He’s addicted to sweets and I’m forced to enable this by serving him chocolate-flavored Pediasure. No syrup. No donuts. No candy. No jelly. No chocolate. No complex carbohydrates. No water. No air. But I’m evil.

But what about Halloween? Instead of collecting candy, we’ll decorate the houses of our friend’s and family with colored toilet paper.

And Easter? Did Jesus have jellybeans, Reese’s peanutbutter cups, and chocolate bunnies at the last supper?

All I am asking of you is moral support. Unless it’s 100% proven to work 100% of the time, with 100% of children, or really creative, I want no parental advice. AND whatever you do, DON’T try to make me feel guilty for not covering everything in chocolate/sugar. I will track you down and take away your potato chips!

Number of times chocolate is mentioned: 7

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