Gone With The Wind

Brian and I strive to nurture a free and accepting household. We want each member to know that they are loved unconditionally regardless of their showering status or how many protein bars they’ve ingested. Our Open Air Policy was well-intended. So was the road to hell.

While dating, we found it odd that other couples censored this part of themselves. Not sharing our gas seemed wrong…deceitful. These twosomes probably cut their toe nails and picked their noses in private. I was determined never to become one of them and encouraged this liberating behavior. That was before becoming vegetarian; before soy, before tofu, before pinto beans.

After joining lives and residences, certain people began expelling when company were over, without the slightest embarrassment or acknowledgment of fault. They’re called STINKER BUTTs for a reason. Now, common manners have been lost and I’m concerned we’re all heading towards complete uncivilization.

Simon (4) uses his father’s sleeve as a napkin and a tissue, sometimes simultaneously. I refuse to imagine what paper product is next in line for substitution.

Mali (11) completes number 2 without shutting the bathroom door EVER…and yells at us for looking. “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M POOPING?” Yes. We all do.

This lack of culture is putting an impression on our littlest one, Max. The four-month old belches, farts, and EVEN coughs formula our faces without having the common courtesy to say, “Excuse me,” or at least appearing remorseful.

To better understand their specific view points, I recently interviewed my family about this policy.

Me: (putting a soapy wash cloth down) So…Simon…how do you feel about Daddy’s “stinkers”?

Simon: (splash, splash) They’re cool!

Me: What do you think we should do about them?

Simon: (splash, splash) I just made bubble stinkers.

(*Note to self: teach Simon “flatulence”.)

Me: Maxwell, how do you feel about our Open Air Policy and what do you think should be done about it?

Maxwell: (smiles…therefore, shows defiance)

Me: Mali, how do you feel about our Open Air Policy?

Mali: I already told you once last week. I’m not telling you again.

Me: Brian, about our creation of the Open Air Policy…

Brian: We all make mistakes dear. I just happen to have a wife that holds me to them at the point of nausea.

Me: How can this be remedied?

Brian: It should probably be done away with.

Me: Any specific reason?

Brian: It stinks.


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