My goal: to make this post about my recent near-death experience as non-cliche’ as possible, because all such scenarios are the same. In every single one, someone nearly dies, but doesn’t.
December 31, 2009
Dear Ronnie Reaper (a.k.a Dan Death),
I apologize for leaving you stranded on New Year’s Eve. I hadn’t expected you so early.
It wouldn’t have worked out. We have nothing in common. I enjoy breathing. I like my heart beating, and blood running through my veins. Digestion even brings me joy. With you, I can do none of those things. In fact, you’ve led me to a conclusion. I’m in love with someone else. Myself. Thank you for reminding me.
The picture above was Route 55 at 7:20 AM covered in icy slush. Moments before our date, I had taken this with my phone, and planned to paste it on Facebook, so all of my friends could feel sorrow for me about my daily commute to Philly. Once again, I buried my mind with self-pity. Now, when I gaze over the photo, I will think of you.
For your memory, and with the help of my daughter, I’ve recreated our time together. An online scrapbook preserving our brief affair.
My last meal would have been a slice of Bologna and three cups of coffee.
I locked the door to the home I despised (only for its size), hopped into my car (represented by the blue convertible in the photo below), dropped my daughter off at her Aunts, and didn’t even walk her inside.
Imagine no salt, ice falling from the air, snow covering a highway packed with New Jersey drivers. My eyes closed for a microsecond and my car began to slide off the right side of the highway. My gut reaction was to turn the wheel in the opposite direction.
My Corolla spun, so I pulled the wheel the other way with no response. I had no control. None. I became merely a spectator.
My eyes met another car’s headlights probably a car length away. Previously, I had wondered what my last thought would be. Would I think of my daughter? Would I think of a past unrequited love (not to be named because I’m still alive)? Or would I just think, “OH S**T!!” and have adrenaline overwhelm me? No. You, Mr. Reaper, helped me answer that. I only thought, “Really?” as in “Today? Now? This is it? That was all?” Then, the car in front of me started to slide in an attempt to avoid the impending head-on collision. Neither of us needed a vehicular head-butt.
Inertia tugged at the rear of my vehicle and forced me into the median…and the accompanying ditch-like crevice. The other car miraculously corrected itself. No metal collided. Not a single human was harmed.
Ron, I hope there are no hard feelings. It’s really nothing personal. Give me a call and maybe we can get together and hang out, in 60 years…
had more sex
read Anna Karenina again
learned to pole dance
married Andy Samberg
sent the kid off to medical school
topped The New York Times Bestsellers List
**no toys were hurt in the making of this**