(Not) Tony Award Winning Musical, A Fitness Carol

(Although her daughter participated in this epic event, the author insists that this review remains unbiased.) An Accompany Publishing Musical Play adapted from “A Christmas Carol” by Charles Dickens (to clear up any confusion). The date, Dec. 16th. The place, a school auditorium in the middle-of-nowhere’sville. Presented by the 4th and 5th grade chorus.

Before delving in, I would like to put out a suggestion to all in charge of such elementary school functions. Prior to the beginning of a show, advise the audience to “please silence all cell phones and babies.” The amount of infant screaming affected my ability to hear the actors and robbed me from some of my enjoyment. It may also be nice to enforce all people with abnormally large heads to sit behind those with smaller heads. Because of my seating arrangements, picture taking was rendered impossible.

The plot centers around Scrooge and Marley’s City Gym. Scrooge wants to sell the gym and replace it with the unforgivable–a candy store! This was followed by ghosts’ visits from various time periods in the history of the world. A herd of cheerleaders represented those from the future.

The set design was impeccable. The backdrop resembled Van Gogh’s Bedroom in Arles except with barbels and treadmills. Cardboard candy canes lined the perimeter. I was concerned about the carrying-capacity of the stage with 296 chorus members packed like husbands at the mall on Christmas Eve. How much weight would the stage actually hold, and could those children inhale and exhale in such an arrangement?

The acting was predominately believable, but at times I was under the impression that a few were reading lines from the backs of their hands. And the ad-lib that  Marley’s Ghost committed was difficult to understand. I think he was mumbling, “Blah, blah, blah, ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!! Blah, blah, blah, ARGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

With hits such as “Doing Something Smart,” “The Taste of the Sweet,” “Pumping More With Each Beat,” “Portion Control,” and “Twelve Days of Fitness,” how could one deny the show’s brilliance.

On the first day of fitness, my trainer made me do, one yoga tree pose.

Nevertheless, the violence was disturbing. After Scrooge shredded the contract belonging to the Evil Candy Moguls (two adorably SWEET young ladies), the girls beat him to a pulp with the paper. Because Scrooge resembled Tiger Woods, I suspected that this was an attempt to attract the Elin supporters, but an insider insisted that this was part of the script before the golf philanderer’s hobby hit the headlines.

The back-flipping aerobics instructor was impressive, but did they really have to make the kids run endlessly around the auditorium? The fake muscles were also a tad too unrealistic.

During the performance, I had also worried about the musical’s message; that working out and staying fit are the only important things in life; that there is no merit to lounging in front of the tube playing video games; that being bored is bad; that candy is evil. But I was comforted at the end when all of children left the stage intubated with lollipops.

One chorus member stood out above the others. She was in the third row on the right side, had large moon-like eyes, a Blair Waldorf headband, and mouthed to the person next to her, “I’m trying to find my mom.” With a voice and a face such as hers, angels are undoubtedly jealous. This child’s mother must be one proud lady.

I was glad that I attended and can honestly say it was worth a George Washington. This year’s production was 100% more memorable than last years, which I don’t remember at all.

It may be to late to say Merry Christmas, but it’s never to late to say…

MERRY FITNESS EVERYONE!

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