I came across an Imaginary Boyfriend List yesterday that had spoken to me intimately. But since all of my boyfriends are imaginary, I thought I’d up the stakes. The difficulty in ranking them was excruciating. Especially slots 1 and 2.
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1. Andy Samberg
Sorry Johnny, but Andy and I were bethrothed on Facebook (and ONLY on Facebook), so I have to put him as my #1. Best known for the SNL musical hits such as Emmy Award Winning D*** In A Box and Grammy nominated I’m On A Boat.
2. Johnny Depp
I hate to use a picture twice, but with one so awesome, who can blame me?
3. Brian Williams
This man is SMOKIN’! Whether he’s wearing a purple tie, a striped tie, or khakis, my heart rate elevates. Brian also spends the most time with me. We meet almost every night at 6:30.
4. Conan O’Brien
We started our faux affair way back in 1993 and have been going strong ever since. “In the year 3000,” we’ll reveal our relationship to the public.
5. Peter Fonda
Yes, he’s older than my mother, but I do not care.
6. Michael Phelps
My sister has given me slack for liking him because of his ears, but I have only one word for her. Handles. I’ll give him another gold medal.
7. Henry Miller
The only dead man to make the list. I made myself choose between Miller and Andy Warhol, and because there’s already one Andy on the list, Miller’s #7.
8. Taylor Lautner
The werewolf from New Moon…pending his 18th birthday on Feb. 11th of course.
9. Augusten Burroughs
Author of best sellers Running With Scissors, Dry, and You Better Not Cry. Becoming my husband would require him hopping over the fence, but this is my fantasy. And the man has seen Orville Redenbacher’s penis.
He’s sweet, orange, fun-spirited, loves rubber duckies, and has an irresistable laugh. We share the same birthday. I also have a thing for stripes.
Others who were highly considered, but did not make the final list: Andy Warhol, Morrissey, Prince Harry, Christian Bale, David Bowie, Seth Meyers, Lord Byron, Dennis Hopper, Jeff Hardy, assorted Chucks, Joe Jonas, Nick Jonas, Naveen Andrews, Robert Pattinson, John Lennon, Lenin, Mrs. Butterworth, Tucker Max, and Napoleon