So, since when has wax been so sexy?

Upon finding out that Michael Jackson decorated Neverland with mannequins, I had thought, “Mikey’s weird!” But now, after visiting Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in New York, I totally get it!

I could seriously deal with having three, or four, maybe even five, of these in my home. All in different poses and costumes, of course.


Wax Johnny Depp(s) could keep me company.

How many Benjamins would I have to float to make a few of these mine? Could I possibly create a little Depp house-protecting army all by myself? My background in sculpture could lead me down the road to everlasting delight.

Nightmare On Elm Street Johnny (for sentimental reasons)

21 Jump Street Johnny (A MUST)

Wax Edward Scissorhands (yes, dangerous but also handy)

Waxy Sweeney Todd

…and premature, but absolutely necessary, Wax Barnabas Collins.

But there will be NO Waxy Willy Wonka lounging around my house. Nor a Turtle Waxed bald head from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I do have standards.

My new man won’t have to shave and privacy will not be an issue. The pesky full-time French girlfriend-and-mother-of-his-two-children wouldn’t bother us. Or Winona (or remnants of that tattoo). Kate Moss–conveniently also missing. There would be an absence of arguments. I wouldn’t even have to worry about him trashing my place.

That day at the museum, I kept my public displays of affection to a minimum. I didn’t want Leo to get jealous. DiCaprio was standing right next to us, and had made eyes at me the moment I walked through the door. Poor, pathetic Leo.

While gently caressing dear Johnny’s face, my culinary curiosity nearly overcame me. I pondered his flavor. Would he taste like wax lips, or like one of my favorite snacks, cherry Chapstick. Judging by his texture, I decided that he was probably more like a crayon. Since I don’t particularly enjoy ingesting a box of Crayolas, I found this a little disappointing, yet comforting. His unsavory essence would prevent me from eating him. Therefore, we could be together forever.

Candles will never look the same.


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