I said before that this is a site composed entirely of non-fiction. My Facebook account, on the other hand, is not.
Our relationship began a little over a week ago. On a Saturday night, the television was on and I was up way past my bedtime. Our eyes locked. Magic occurred. When I saw him perform I Threw it On The Ground, my desire to throw him to the ground became overwhelming.
I You-tubed it, placed it on my wall for everyone’s enjoyment, only to find out the next day that NBC wanted to get between us. They had it removed. I played NBC’s game, found it on Hulu and reposted it, because I had to have it. Had to!
We have a lot in common…
Like me, he doesn’t trust the system. I’m also an adult…and my dad’s not a phone. Duh!
He received an Emmy for D*** in a Box and had paired up again with Justin Timberlake for Mother Lover. I had to have more.
Lonna + Andy = crazy delicious.
Then, I found this and there was no question in my mind that we are meant to be together.
Being a female, that problem has never occurred to me, only in my presence, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t sympathize…and I do love grapes.
After that, things began to move pretty quickly.
I did what I always do when some dude attracts my attention, but this was the first declaration done over the wires of the internet. I logged onto Facebook and introduced everyone to my “future husband,” attached a picture, and anxiously waited for a response. One nay-sayer said, “Lonna- they all have been your future husband! lol Love ya!”
I needed to prove Tammy wrong and show her that this time, indeed, was real!
So, after a few minor difficulties, I created him and friended him. I skipped becoming Andy Samberg’s girlfriend and we became engaged. I was excited. This was the closest I’ve ever been to walking down the isle. I never intended to actually change my status to married…that would be sick, crossing the line…and I’m too much of a commitment-phobe to even have a fake spouse.
The friends that responded have known me since conception, know how my brain works, and know that I’m not normal. I had thought that the conclusion would have been an obvious one– that I had something to do with him appearing and responding directly about our marital plans, and how we were going to have the ceremony on set. That it was a joke.
Tammy’s email: So tell me about this twirp? 🙂 Is good to you? Where did you meet? Does Amalia like him?
My response: Mali loves him since we created him last night. Yes, it’s me. Just thought it would be funny…now I feel like a total nut case.
Tammy: Lmfao so good. Well u see that ppl will believe anything on Facebook. Have a big fight. Damn cheater.
Even my sister bought it. My sister! She was concerned that someone was pretending to be the real Andrew Samberg, etc. Faking people out wasn’t my true intention, just an amusing side effect. I was only “trying” to be funny.
My mother believed that it was really him (in my dreams), that somehow he found my page online and thought it was funny, but she knew that the engagement was a scam, that I would never marry someone I just met. Ha. She’s smarter than previously stated, but still retains her title as The Straightest Burn-out I Know.
When I confessed to her, my mother was worried that I’d be arrested and carted off to jail for impersonating the man. Last time I checked, there are twenty-six fake Andy Sambergs on Facebook, over twenty-five Johnny Depps, and I got the idea when I stumbled upon a twenty year old chick who’s married to Andrew Warhol. A married homosexual man that’s been rotting near Pittsburgh since 1987.
If he took me to court…would he have to be there…in person…???
So a little over twenty-four hours, I broke it off. Painful. I’m still getting over it.
I also told my Facebook friends that DAVID ANDREW SAMBERG=LONNA ALLISON COTTRELL and that I’m considering treatment for multiple personality disorder.
We did feel so close, that at times it was like we were the same person.
Last night, I sat in front of the TV watching SNL, and began having doubts. Maybe I shouldn’t have ended it. But Tammy is right. She told me, “You have to stop living a lie. It would’ve never worked anyway. He doesn’t even have a stable job!”
I’ve never Photoshopped a photo of us together; therefore I’m completely sane.
But if I did, this would be the one I’d use.
** My disclaimer: I know the difference between love and other fleeting passions. I do not actually love Andy Samberg because I do not know him…yet. I also have no intentions on tracking him down, or sending him unwanted flowers, or letters, etc. I only have a huge crush on the guy and picture him in inappropriate poses. Without clothes. Often. I also did no harm during my brief period as Andy Samberg and no harm was intended.