Please, Zip It!

Martin Luther King had one, so here’s mine…

My dream for the future.

zip_mouth(not a relative)

Usually, I enjoy eavesdropping. I’ve even perfected the art of reading backwards off the reflection of  the train’s window. But not today. I’m experiencing the identical sensation that I have when my sister has me captive in her van, her foot lifts off the accelerator, and she vomits story, after story, after story, after story…

Cell phones! How am I supposed to tell if someone’s actually on the phone with their wife/boyfriend/co-worker/pet, or if they’re talking to Ed Harris about dropping off a decoded Family Circle, or scheduling the injection of an implant into his/her forearm. By the way…schizophrenics on the loose are completely acceptable, as long as they look like Russell Crowe, but only during his Gladiator phase. Now with Blue Tooth, there’s no hope. The entire world appears to be in need of large doses of Haldol.

I’m not opposed to people talking in public. That would be ridiculous.

Only the BROADCASTERS.

You know who I’m talking about.

To the lady who ruined my lunch: I don’t care how stupid you think your son is for signing the birth certificate before the results of the paternity test gets back, and how you’re not going to help him any longer. The next time you plan on having a such a conversation, do not sit next to the person anxiously reading a book. Eliza Bennett was hacking off zombie heads, and you ruined it all for me.

To the train-talker: The information, about how plastic shelving just isn’t you, wasn’t helpful. And I didn’t need to be enlightened about your husband’s fantasy football team’s strategy.

You’re asking yourself, “But Lonna, how can this problem be solved? What can you do about this?”

I’ve devised many potential solutions.

Most citizens of the United States understand the unwritten rules of civility…why not write ordinances concerning annoyance talk?

First offense: a warning

Second: timeout for one hour

Third: offender will write “I will not push my life on other people” 500 times

Fourth: a fine (amount to be determined at a later date)

Fifth: a vow of silence

Sixth: house arrest

Seventh: flogging

Eight: surgical attachment of the mouth zipper

You may also be asking, “Lonna. Annoyance talk seems so subjective. Who will decide what is and what is not annoyance talk?” The answer: me, naturally. On a case by case basis. I’m willing to dedicate the rest of my life to the cause. Someone should.

***An additional idea that may be helpful for the transit situation: Not allowing co-workers or friends to sit near one another, especially if they are under the age of 23.

How am I supposed to achieve maximum delight with my voyeuristic fetish if you’re broadcasting to everyone within hearing range? You already have an audience, and she’s sitting in the seat behind you.

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