Lecter Ain’t Got Nuttin’ On Me

Throughout the years, civilization has taught us:

1. Utensils and napkins can sometimes be handy.

2. The square root of 2 goes on for infinity (which it does, so Mom you can stop trying to find the last digit).

3. Be true to yourself, honor thy neighbor, and eat neither.

Then, why are we edible? Why?

The wastefulness of contemporary society makes me sick. Disposable packaging. Everything gets tossed. I suggest we change that. At this moment, an African woman rations 3 rice grains out for each of her family members…while some lifeless American gets lowered into his new home six feet under. I CALL THAT FOOD! Is it not?

The world runs out of space for people, both alive and dead. And cremation only adds carbon into the atmosphere, causing the Greenhouse Effect to happen at an accelerated rate. Before we know it, we will all have George Hamilton Thick Skin Syndrome and no cure. My option is the only responsible choice.

I’m sure you’re not strangers to the acts of cannibalism…well at least autocannibalism (ingesting one’s own tissues). I’m not. From an early age, I’ve fed off the extra skin on the sides of my fingers and toes, scabs, and the exfoliated skin from my inner cheeks.

But have I ingested other people’s tissues? Well, at a diner a few years ago I may have accidentally swallowed a flake or two of someone’s paraffin-embedded pancreas. No fault of the restaurant. I work in pathology. Let say it’s one of the many occupational hazards. That should teach me not to wear my street clothes to work.

My movement isn’t limited to the dead. What happens to all the extra skin removed by plastic surgeons? And the extra adipose removed from liposuction? Such things are labeled Bio-medical Waste, not hors d’oeuvres. Chilean-born Danish artist Marco Evaristti begs to differ. In 2007, he fed a table of twelve meatballs partially made from his own liposuctioned fat. More recently, he’s been struggling with the Texas government over a death row inmate’s future corpse. If the man’s appeal doesn’t go through, Marco’s plans to convert his carcass into goldfish food. Now there’s a man I can stand behind…way behind.

I’m not suggesting that we become a nation of Jeffery Dahmers or Gary Heidniks. This will be on a strictly voluntary basis. No involuntary donations allowed!!!

So, please, join me in my cause and we can make the world a better place.

Stop world hunger now!

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